Sober Living Blog

7/4/09

so today was the 4^th of july and we had a party. Some of the guys smoked a couple pigs, they started yesterday morning at 6am and cooked all night till 4 in the morning. They cooked the best damn pig ive ever had. We all started eating around 1 and the band started playing around 230.  they sounded on point for only having a month of practice. We took a little break and had group in which ALL the fucking strikes got scratched. Even mine…I was sitting on like 30 grand. Considering the shitty spot that I have been in, to get all of my strikes scratched is an act of God. I owe a lot to the house right now. I need to get over myself and tow the line here. The house needs as many senior members as possible. All in all today I have found the I can have a good time without any drugs. I actually have a better time. No puke, no fights, no jail, no wrecks, no burns. Last 4^th of july I was all fucked up on methadone and was playing beer pong and I was making a bomb out of a piccolo pete and duct tape and it blew up in my hand and burned the shit out of it. That’s what happenes when I get high. Today I have a bed to sleep on, food to eat, people like me that will help me and I can help them. That’s whats up.

7/5/09

whats up today is Sunday and its been a –day of rest. Everybody’s chillin and taking it easy today. Ive goit to finish scrubbing the garage because that was part of my commitment to get off reflections. after that I will have dinner and have fellowship for an hour and have a meeting here. Ive noticed my disease is pretty alive today, telling me its ok to not cop to a no blog and to not scrub down the rest of the garage. I cant afford to listen to it anymore. Ive got too much to lose. So I will pray and try my best to be as productive as I can today. Im coming up on a year pretty soon. Its unreal. It has not really sank in yet I guess. But I gotta go got lots of things to do.

7/6/09

so its still Sunday but I have to blog tonight because I wont have any time tomorrow to blog I work from 8 to anywhere from 5 to 9:30. blogs are due by dinner and I hate that rule. But that’s life sometimes you have to do things that yopu don’t want to do and you don’t agree with. I have learned that in this house. I used to think that surrendering was for the weak. But now I have learned that it is weak to hold to my ideas and beliefs out of fear of the unknown. To have courage means to go through life depending on a higher power and having faith that he will take care of you. I have experienced that and can say that from the heart. Tonight I sat in newcomers group for 10 minutes. Tomorrow I get to work andgo to a meeting I am looking forward to the. Well I gotta write my words and call my sponsor. 

6.25.2009

its really fucking weird man all this shit is going down like there was some money that was in a guys drawer who was on restriction, which is real fucked up, but it just got blown over or whatever. And the whole deal with the advil bottle in the trash and the toilet paper and someone has been stealing food n shit. Its just weird its almost as if somebody is doing it on purpose and not copping to it to create some insanity man. Its really off but nothing is being dealt with. The office is really busy and shit. Another thing that is getting to me is the fact that the van is broken down and the other van is being used by the girls. It is just lame that all this money is being spent elsewhere but not on the necceceties like another set of washer and dryer. I have a really big resentment with the house right now I guess so I need to do something about that before I go on. Other than that not much is going on except for some weird shit with Ronnie who hasn’t really been in the house at all since he has been here. Today he just pulls this to do list out of his ass and that is really fucking random man. I don’t know this is just some weird fucking shit..

6.26.2009

well I read my half status proposal last night and that shit got denied because I am not really being a good big brother. That’s alright though. I am gonna r apply in two weeks. Its weird because I am planning to leave in early august, but I am still going to do it there is no reason to not do it.. My little brother is pretty cool. He has been in aa and shit before and he is from around here… um we went over the new chore description n shit last night and it to me seems all fucked up n shit. There are a few new chores and some major parts added to certain chores. Well I don’t know I am getting ready to go to wallee world and that’s all I got..

6.27.2009

Today I have been at the garden and its hot n shit. We are back for lunch right now, but anyhow it is cool that we get the go out of the house and do something productive that actually benefits the house. At first a few of the guys who were going hated it but now its cool n shit. The schedule of how the days changed n shit so it’s weird, and we go to a meeting tonight which is cool usually we have an activity tonight and that shit aint cool. It’s nice to be able to lamp around on a Saturday night n shit. I haven’t been around the house today much so I don’t know what’s going on n shit..more later…

6.28.2009

im fucking bored man and there is really nothing that ever goes on. But I think the big thing was the job with Andrew and shit. He was gonnna open up the diner n shit but he was all about it and then in the end he just backed out of it really quick and this caused a big problem because he had Cameron and Mitch over there helping which in the end turned out to be a really big waste of time n shit. He got an essay for it but its weak how none of the guys really even see the problem in this all that they see is how he wouldn’t want to be stuck in Yosemite n shit with an investment in the diner that could easily flop. The point of all it is that it’s fucked up how from the beginning he never really had his heart in it, yet he led them on and pretended like he was full heartedly in it. That’s shit isn’t really cool man.. I don’t know other than that there isn’t much going on at all so ima go chill and smoke..

6.29.2009

Corey just took a solid piss in the ashtray. what is wrong with someone so that they would piss in a ashtray. If nobody saw him doing it I guarantee he would not have copped to it and shit and even worse if someone went to go and put their cigarette out and they put there hand in a pool of urine that shit aint sanitary. Luckily someone saw him do it and he was caught red handed. This is the kind of stuff that has been going on and it never use to until he said fuck you to the house indeed. Now I can almost guarantee he did all the other stuff like grabbing food and shit as well as putting the shitty toilet paper in the trash. I am waiting to see what happens more later. That’s all I got

6.29.2009

We moved all of the girls into a different house yesterday and that’s really all we did..um not much is going on today really we are gonna hang out and not do anything but some programming today and that is really fine with me. anyway I gotta go not much happening

7.1.2009

it is July already that is crazy man I cant even believe I have been here five months already. Time fly’s by really fast I never thought I would be here this long either. I initially thought I was coming for two or three weeks, but that obviously changed. I guess I like being here and I now have desire to stay clean n shit and a bunch of guys here do too. I mean the chore description was changed n shit and I thought it was gonna be a mess but actually it works well, it is smoother and the house doesn’t smell like a doghouse no more. People are not getting sick no more either which is cool. Chris has been the new dub c now for about a week and he freaks out n shit but he does the job.. As I said the house don’t smell like a doghouse no more.

7.2.2009

my little brother did his first bathroom today and he did a really good job on it which was surprising because he is so lazy. I am basically done with my fourth step and I am just sitting on it for a while to make sure I did a very thorough job. We are gonna go to Wal-Mart really soon and there is only eight of us on the whole house shopping lists it is fucking crazy. There is group tonight and I can tell it is gonna be one of those boring ones and dian will end up having to drag shit out of us and shit. I don’t know really the house has been pretty good lately there are a bunch of guys that have got Liberty status and shit so any how I am about to go or whatever.thats all I got

7.3

we had a scrub down today and out of nowhere Brian t who was a angry fellow decided that he wanted to leave. The house smelled like shit and a wet dog so we cleaned everything because tomorrow is family day and whatnot and when I say that it smelled awful I mean it really smelled awful and it smells a lot better now so I feel like we all accplished some shit. We have Kevin over there who is all weird and shit getting sick all over the place it just don’t make no sense man I am really not too sure either way but I think that it will all work out for the best. That’s all I got…

7.4

its fourth of July and there are a bunch of families n shit coming out. Larry went over and got some fireworks n shit from Tennessee which is gonna be really cool. Also a couple of the guys stayed up late to cook a hog or a pig or whatever it is. That shit is really good man I never had nothing like that pig before. Anyhow its cool that all the families are coming out. my family isn’t coming but that’s okay n shit since my mother would have to spend so much money to fly down here from Boston and she just moved two days ago so it wouldn’t make any sense to come down n shit. Its still really cool though that with all the shit we have put our families through they are still so willing to give up their fourth of July to come and see their junkie sons. It just shows how this house really not only gives us hope but our families. Anyhow I gotta go and that’s all I got today

7.5

yesterday was a lot of fun there was a shit ton of food and all kind of  families were here and shit it was a good time and all of our strikes n essays n shit got scratched and the rest of the day was free time so I took a nap for two hours and then went to get some food with Adam and chase n Cameron it was fun. And the fireworks were cool as fuck but I didn’t really get to watch them too much because I was filming them. But hey that is cool. All in all it was a fun fucking day that’s all I got

7.6

I am going to the garden again that’s cool n shit. I like to go there because it allows some of us to get a chance to get out of the house for a bit and get some sun and some energy out. there is a few guys  who are leaving in the next couple of days who’s commitment is up and its really strange how quickly it seems they just got here but what ever that’s on them to leave I guess. They made it all sneaky and shit so that nobody would know about it or whatever. I don’t know why one person in particular, mitch would be leaving he has quite a court case and this place can really help him but he must not give a fuck or even know that. Whatever that’s all I got.

6-25 so today is a good day the house is still going through some shit but it’s a good day I am so fucking tired today its crazy all and all I am just so grateful today the quality of life I have I honestly like nothing I ever imagined or thought I could have its just goes to show how short I was selling my self the relationships that I hold today are unreal I just love life today

6-26 so yea group was dope tonight I got my half status I am stoked on that shit so hard I have never made it this far in the house before and the crazy thing is that things keep getting better every day now so you got to love that shit any way this house is so honest and open its like nothing you can really under stand unless you are part of it I saw some shit get dealt with in group that was just really cool

6-27 REFLECTIONS

6-28 so yea boi today is Sunday I am ready to just kick back and soak it up all day today its gona be kind of crazy today cause Adam has left me in charge he’s gone on a pb so I cant spend too much time here blogging I just want to express my gratitude for this house and this program

6-29 so yea yesterday was really cool I had the opportunity to give back to the house really hard it’s a honest spot that I am in rite now I am honestly not fucked up about any thing and I can say that honestly for once in my life this house really does work wonders on hope to die loadies like my self and for that I cant help but be grateful

630 WOW I CANT BELIVE IT I GOT 6 MONTHS TODAY I have never had six months before and I don’t know every thing is so good today I don’t know how else to really say it its like night and day were I am at today compared to were I was at a few months ago I don’t have anything to show but I feel like I have more today then I ever have in my hole life I want more I am stoked of sobriety and love this house

7-1 SO any way I had a good day today I went and got my 6 month chip last night I cant believe it I don’t know I still cant get over how fucking miserable I was a few months ago things are a lot better today I think that working outside in the sun has done a lot for me that and I started working some what of a program now my relationship with god is getting better and better every day now I seriously look forward to my prayer session at night now little one on one check ins ha its crazy how he works in our lives any way I gots to go to work now so see ya

7-2 so fuck yea group today I am  stoked but very tired I was kind of fucked up yesterday I don’t know why yet I should call my sponsor

7-3 any way group was crazy last night I got a lot of shit out their and asked a lot of dope questions that I think I should have I cant hope but to say I wish they all go through any way well see its crazy how hard this house will work with you and try to help you find life any way I am tired rite now and am probly not making since good day

7-4 hell yea 4^th of July in ky that shits gona be so fun today I have to say I am stoked to spend the day with all my friends doing all that cool fire work shit I am pumped

7-5 any way I am about to go out on pass today with Shawn today for 24 big hours shits gona be pretty cool I am stoked I love this house so much some times Larry has done so much for people its not even funny any way I am happy today and I miss and love my family

7-6so I just went on pass with Shawn lee it was cool but honestly I am happier around the house now a days but it was fun I got sort of fucked up just really restless and irritable on pass I cant put my finger on why but every thing is better now running new comers group is such a special thing for me rite now it’s a trip I like it so much and it really helps me get out of my head

Cameron S.

6-25 wow today I have 7 months of sobriety that is the most sobriety I have had my whole life like that’s fucking nuts if you ask me and I really like owe it all to this house cuz I wouldn’t have it if it was not for this house. Its good to be alive today so ya I don’t really know I mean today is good. I am off to go to work man. So ya. I’m out so peace.

6-26 well ya. I am tired as hell today like I can not even focus but today is good I am trying to stay in the house like I don’t really know but ya. I am out for now like group just drained the hell out of me and I am like being presented with some really crazy shit I don’t really want to deal with. But ya I am out so peace.

6-27 ya I am doing ok today I am really tired the movies was good we saw the new transformers and I really did not want to  but it turned out good the house to me is coming together but at the same time needs a whole lot of work I don’t really know it is all good I mean so ya I personally am excited for josh to come out here in like thirteen days now so I am counting days. Talk to you more later so peace.

6-28 another day you know what I mean like I may or may not be going to Lexington with a couple of guys I am not really sure yet but I hope so and like it is so good to do this I mean I need to get out of the house really bad I am going stir crazy man for reals it has been a long time since I have gone out with friends just to have some fun I am planning a paint ball trip for the senior residents next weekend so we will see what happens and what goes down. I got to go to break fast so peace amigo

6-29 ok so I am so tired right now I can not keep my eyes open I wrote 3 grand last night for sleezing essays and just another strike like but I deserved it.  I have to go to work today and I am so tired that I cant open my eyes. Yesterday was good I got a couple cds and a ipod deck that is really nice, went skating and had lunch it was good. everything right now is good I got to go now so talk to you later.

6-30 ok so ya today is Tuesday it is a good breakfast but that is the only thing I can really thing to say positive about today right now I guess I am not a morning person I don’t really know I am just not in it  right now I would much rather be sleeping but I cant. Hopefully today gets better I don’t want to work and I don’t want to ask for the day off. We’ll see. Peace

7-1 wow it is the month of july right now I entered the house in September which is the ninth month then relapsed two months later but my point is I am coming close to like a year that is just crazy. I more or less got fired from my job like got asked not to come back so like I mean it is ok like I obviously have something else in my plan for me so like ya. we will see. I am out peace.

7-2 reflections

7-3 reflections

7-4 reflections

7-5 whats going on I got off of reflections out of luck the words all got scratched out of the kindness of dians heart cuz we worked so hard for the fourth of july party so I am happy as well I am just happy. The party was really cool a lot of cool fire works and hanging out its good to have a fourth of july that I can remember so ya. I am doing good. I will talk more later peace.

7-6 well today is a new day and I am just out of it I am not really looking forward to work but maybe it is just cuz it is a Monday or something I am  not sure. But everything in life is going good family is good sponsor is good he is coming out this weekend and ya I want to plan a trip paintballing for a couple guys like but we’ll see. Got to go peace.

6-25-09- I seem in a really good spot in terms that I have been staying really focused.  I asked at dinner last night about working out side landscaping because I am suppose to be out there working part time and Diane kind off just pushed it to the side.  I got kind of upset about it, but talk to some guys and am kind of over it.  I passed in my half status and am hoping to get a job soon.  I really am egger to get a job because this pass four months is the longest I have gone not working and having some sort of income sine I was sixteen.  I am grateful today that I am free and not locked up behind bars. 

6-26-09- REFLECTIONS

6-27-09- I got my half status accepted on Thursday night in community group.  I got ten grand for my cop-list and wrote it by dinner yesterday night.  It feels really good moving up in the house.  I got a lot of good feedback in group and it felt good to hear people felt I was doing a good job in the house.  There was certain thing’s I needed to work on which was confrontation and communication so I was put on the sheriff program.  We are working on the garden today and I am in a good spot.  I am going to call my sister and let her know the good news.

6-28-09- Today is a good day again.  My energy feels really good and my focus is strong too.  I went to the doctors last night and found out that this boy Kevin has not been getting sick from being allergic to smoke and that his ear aches are being caused by something else.  Today I got karate and I can not wait to go to class.  I enjoy doing karate and hope to be able to go to class more then once a week.

6-29-09- Today is Monday.  Last night we had a meeting in the house and it was a really good meeting.  Today we are helping move the girls into their new house which is right down the road.  I got to make sure I call and find out about the letter I need to send to the state of New Hampshire.  Also I need to call both my lawyers and find out about taking Karate more then once a week.  I am in a good spot I am just really tired.

6-30-09- Today I am tired.  I got to work outside yesterday landscaping and I was really grateful.  Adam talk to me yesterday and said I might be able to work outside everyday which I am hoping will happen.  I talked to my sister yesterday about getting my car down here and she said that it needs a lot of work so might have to get another car.  I am going to save all the money that I make to fix my car or get a new one.  I am so grateful for this opportunity.  Thank you higher power for all that you have done for me. 

7-1-09- Today I woke up tired.  I had to stay up until twelve forty five last night because I was person in charge and I had to monitor Shawn S. wall time.  I am going to my sponsor’s house to night for a meeting and a sponse meeting.  I can not wait because it has been a long time like two months since we got to go to his house.  I got to call mi sister and my sponsor today.  It is a nice day out to be working outside landscaping.  I am so thankful that I got to be working outside full time.  I really enjoy working again it makes me feel so much better to earn my own money.  Also Jimmy and I worked out last night.  I got to stay on top of working out because I enjoy the way that it makes me feel.  Well today is a good day.

7-2-09- Yesterday was a good day, worked hard outside landscaping.  I learned how to lay railroad ties for a retaining wall which was really cool.  Also I learned how to make a retaining wall out of bricks.  The brick wall was really slow to make, but I enjoyed it a lot.  I like to see things that I helped make, it gives me a feeling of accomplishment.  Tonight is community group and I wonder what is in store for group tonight.  I am in a good spot right now.  Thank you higher power for all you have done for me.

7-3-09- Today is a sunny day out.  It is a nice day outside to be working.  We have got a lot done landscaping.  We are building a sick wall out front of the house and it looks really nice.  It is lunch time and I just talked to my sister and now I am going to set up for a twenty four hour pass with Jimmy and my sister for tomorrow.  I am so excited for tomorrow because we are having a fourth of July party here with fireworks.  I got a lot of stuff to do for lunch so I am signing off.  Today is a really good day. 

7-4-09- Today is the July fourth and we are having a huge party here for the holiday.  There is like seventy people here.  We are going have mad fire works here tonight and I can’t wait.  This time last year I was getting loaded and by gods grace and this house I am sober.  Well I am going to have some fun, I will check in tomorrow.

7-5-09- Jimmy and I got to go out on a twenty four hour pass today.  We stayed at the Hampton Inn in Somerset and then went to Somersplash.  It was good to be able to see Jimmy and I move up in the house and also be able to get more privileges.  Yesterday was a really good day.  We had a lot of food at the outing and the band sounded really good.  The fireworks were awesome.  This has been a really good weekend.

7-6-09- Today is a nice sunny day.  I woke up and had some real weird dreams last night and kept waking up last night.  I had a really good weekend.  It was good to be sober another holiday especially for July fourth because I would always get high for that holiday.  I talk to my sponsor Randy last night and I hope that he is going to the meeting tonight so I can pass in some step work. I am so grateful today for being sober and in Kentucky doing what I need to do to stay sober and learn recovery.

7/1/09         I have really been struggling with working my second step. The Step Work guide has several questions about the insanity of my actions while in active addiction. It is really tough for me to look back at all the things that I have done, but it has helped me see how my using affected me and everyone else in my life. Besides that everything has been going really well. I have been spending a lot more time in the house now that I’m not working. I hate the fact that I can’t work anymore but it has given me a chance to get more involved in the house.

7/2/09         Tonight was Community Group. That’s where we deal with everything that has happened in the house during the week. It gets kind of intense sometimes but in my opinion it is a hell of a way to address what’s going on. It gives everyone a chance to give feedback to one another and to put our issues out in the open. It has taken me a while, but I am finally getting used to pulling peoples covers and participating more.

7/3/09         Tomorrow is our Fourth of July party. My mom and step dad our coming and I am really looking forward to spending some time with them. I don’t get the chance to talk to them much so it’s cool that they are coming to visit. I am kind of surprised that Jack is coming but I’m glad he is. We have never been all that close so the fact that he is coming all the way down here shows that he supports me being here.

         The party should be a really good time. We’re having a fireworks show, a pig roast and me and a few of the guys are planning on playing a few songs. I’ve been trippin on that because I have never played in front of a crowd before sober. Plus, we haven’t had much time to practice so I don’t think we are as prepared as we should be. Oh well, it’ll be fun either way.

7/4/09         Today has been a hell of a day. We had our fourth of July cook out and fireworks show. It is always cool to have all of our families here. It

seems like it puts all the guys in the house in a good spot. There was a lot of stuff that went on today but it is like 1:15 am and my mind really isn’t working right now!

7/5/09         I took a four hour pass to the Somerset Mall and to Ruby Tuesday’s today. I really enjoyed getting to spend some time with my family and it was cool to take one of the new guys in the house out with us. I was able to buy some new clothes and a pair of kicks with some of the money I made working for ray. I was down to the bare minimum as far as clothes and shoes so it was great to go and buy some nice stuff. I have been dressing like a junky for way too long. If feels good to slide into some new stuff and pop my collar!

7/6/09         Today is my sixtieth day in the house. It is wild to look back at how quick these last two months have passed. I have been away from home for almost three months now and it has felt more like three weeks. When I first came into the house, ninety days seemed like an eternity. I had a lot of reservations about the length of my commitment before I came here but now I am glad that I made the choice to stay as long as I have. It’s strange, now I have reservations about leaving. I can’t say that I don’t miss home or all the freedoms that I used to take advantage of, but this house has already done more for me than I could ever put into words. 

Brian D.

June 25, 2009- Today is good we are getting a lot done and I am still dealing with things that are happening and not getting spun out or in my head about them and still really grateful

June 26, 2009- today was good I got my essay done for my cop list on my half status so I feel really good

June 27, 2009- today a couple of us went out to eat and to the grocery store so it has been a good day and nice to get out.

June 28, 2009- Today we are here just trying to catch up on things that I have let go during the week and am going to watch a movie other than that I am in a good spot and it is a good day.

June 29, 2009- today we are working on the deck and trying to get it floored before the fourth I am still in a really good spot.

June 30, 2009- today was a messed up day it was really weird and things just did not seem to go right but I am doing alright.

June 1, 2009- today was ok I got to talk to my little girl and I feel a lot better and don’t want to do all of this and get myself to where I don’t want to get into a bad spot.

July 2, 2009- today is a good day I am going to go get my little girl her birthday present and get ready to see her this weekend and watch her play on it. So I feel really good today and cant wait until Saturday.

July 3, 2009- Today was good we worked all day getting ready for the party and did not stop until 10 but I am in a really good spot cause I get to see my little girl tomorrow.

July 4, 2009- today was great we had the party and my little girl got her present and I got to spend time with her it was great.

July 5, 2009- today we are taking it easy and just sitting around getting ready for tomorrow.

July 6, 2009- today is a good day and hot we are working on the deck and I am feeling really good about things.

Adam

6-27-2009- Yesterday was one of the best days I had as far as not getting real stressed out and overwhelmed throughout the day. I kept my cool all day long and didn’t get impatient with anyone. Today a couple guys from the house and myself are going to Liberty to get some lunch and some groceries for us. I am in a pretty good spot today so let’s just hope that it stays that way.

6-28-2009- I’m going out with my mom, dad, sister and brother in law today. We’re going to play golf in Burnside at the State Park course. I’m in a good spot this morning, not tired at all and excited about the day today. I think getting out of the house and all the insanity in the house is exactly what I need to end the week right. Hopefully today will be a good day.

6-29-2009- I had a really good day yesterday. I got to spend some time with my family and just relax for a while and get out of the house. I woke up extremely tired this morning and never look forward to Mondays at all. I don’t know what it is about Mondays but it just seems like I never have a good day when it’s Monday. Who knows maybe today will be different.

6-30-2009- Yesterday was a real hectic day here. All the guys helped the females move to their new house. The house whole was involved in helping them move. It went pretty well though none of the guys broke non com or got hurt or anything. I woke up very tired this morning and I’m not real happy at this moment. I’m going to eat some breakfast and hopefully will wake up a little bit.

7-1-2009- I’m in a pretty good spot today. I woke up not very tired at all. I’m looking forward to this weekend because I can not remember the last time I was sober on the 4^th of July. It has been at least 7 or 8 years. My family is going to come down and celebrate the 4^th here at the house. I’m still not sure if we are going to have fireworks or not but we are having a cook out and families are going to be able to hang out all day.

7-2-2009- Another Thursday so that means group night. I had a pretty rough day yesterday, I made a few mistakes that the direction I was given wasn’t very clear at all. I got real impatient with a bunch of things yesterday because I was just over it. I got real aggravated and irritated with all of the things going on around the house yesterday.

7-3-2009- Today will be a crazy day more than likely. We are having a 4^th of July party Saturday and we have to do all of the preparations today. There is a lot to be done and only a day to do it. I prayed this morning to not get overwhelmed and stressed out today. As of right now I am in a pretty good spot though, I didn’t get to bed until about 2 last night because of group but I didn’t wake up real tired.

7-4-2009- Today is the 4^th of July and I’m running around crazy trying to make sure all of the stuff that needs to get done does. It is going to be a real hectic day for sure. But right now I am in the middle of the party so I have to quit typing and go back to the party.

7-5-2009- Yesterday was real cool. I got to spend time with my family and the guys in the house clean and sober on the 4^th of July for the first time in I don’t know how many years. Everything went pretty smooth and we didn’t have any problems at all. It started to rain once so the band had to move their equipment back inside for a few minutes. It stopped raining about 15 minutes later and they moved their stuff right back outside and played about 6 or 7 songs and it sounded real good.

7-6-2009- A graduate came down yesterday and we went into town and ate some lunch and hung out for a while. I love hanging out with graduates because it shows me that this house does work and once you leave the house you have the tools your need to stay sober. Today is Monday so I’m hoping that it will not be that bad of a day because usually Mondays aren’t too fun in the office.

Steven Ward

5/20/09

So today was really hard for me to go to work just getting over this crazy sickness I had and it was cool to be able to do this no matter what I had put in front of me. I really had to look at shit this way to be able to do what I can to make suer that I am handling life like a man and doing what I can on my part to be completely independent and doing things on my own. Like today showed me that no matter how shitty I feel I can still go to work and do the deal and be able to get on that level no matter what. I really have faith that the house works and it will help me for the rest of my life as long as I stay sober. I love the lfie I iahve today even after the shit that I had  to go through with being tha tshick for the past two days. Anyways I will talk to you tommorown

Steven Ward

5/21/09

So tonight was a really good group on ryan and it really helped him see that holding on to things and just going around the house having a whole different point of view is crazy to do and really can mess with you.  The thing of it is the whole house and its idea are all based on how we view things and why we do shit the way that we do. There really is not much more to it than we do all this to stay sober and you have to have faith to do it thought. It is not something  you just get right away and you are happy about doing it is things over and over again that help us come to believe what we do when we do it and get through it. Any ways tonight was good and I am ready to keep going just how I have been for the past nine months.

Steven Ward

5/22/09

There has been a whole bunch of things that I really want to  be when I am out of the house and I know that without this foundation that I gain here I will never be able to accomplish that. I have had a lot of ways that I can go about things and I know that the right way is normally the way that I do not want to do. I feel that if I am able to get on board with what I can do right there will be lots of reward in that. Doing gods will is a lot better than doing mine and I have seen that over and over in this house. I want to be pefect but  I  know that I can not do this if it were up to me.

Steven Ward

5/23/09

Today really was a good day but the problem is I have been really fatigued lately and I really do not like it at all. I have not been able to get over this for awhile now and I am starting to wonder why it is happening I mean I must be in terrible shape or something. I have been worried lately about  the way I look for some reason so I really need to take some action and start working out. I have to really get on the ball with what I want to do with my life and that is how I have to look at it the whole time to get there. I am on the verge of being the guy that  is able to get on what I can when I can. So I need to really step it up.

Steven Ward

5/25/09

So tonight I am back off reflections and I am okay with that for sure. I have had a lot of things that ihave done in the past that I am not okay with and it is hard to do when I have not had a lot of experience in these areas before doing all this. Lately I have not been feeling like anything new is happening for me and that ihard to deal with and is almost like bad in a way for me. I can not do this all at the same time if I am constantly trying to find something new all the time to do. I really want to fuck a girl lately and my sponsor and the hosue have given me the okay to but I really am in fear of it for some reason. It is really hard for me to feel this way.

Steven Ward

5.26.09

So today was really good in the fact that I got kind of spun out at work about it just being another routine and it was really hard to focus at points in the day but I got through it and th e reason I did was casue chris s was there and we could check in about it. The biggest part in it is I do not feel alone in the shit that comes up and I can be okay with what iam doing in this way. I have not had a whole lot of thing that I am okay with but this is one that I am, I have not been the guy that I should have been for the past 5 years but I am slowly repairing the damage and I feel good about it.

Steven Ward

5/27/09

So today some motherfucker got caught up with using in the house and he will not cop to it and it is bullshit. I am really frusterated with this casue some dumass is using in the house that I live in jeopardizing the sobriety of people around me that I care about  and myself. It is bullshit and I really hope that the test comes back tomorrow showing who did it cause they need to get the shit pulled out of their covers. Sure there is some resentment here and that is casue I am really looking at it out of selfishness and out of anger that other people could be in danger of blowing out the door. It is weird I never thought that I would be so angry in my life for someone using but today shit is different and I really hope that this sick sick person who knows that they did it cops to it before the tests come back showing some integrity or at least any that they have left.

Steven Ward

5/28/09

So we finally figured out that it was farris and his stupid ass who can not get honest tonight. We ended up having to search his car and we found a whole bunch of pills in there and it is crazy that all this was just a coincidence in his head. Yeah right  I mean the guy is lucky to even be alive after all the shit that he has planned out for his future. He is really lucky that he was able to get caught  like this and be dealt with casue maybe the groups we had tonight will be enough motivation for him not to get high. I know that is hard to believe but it is true and I know how it is feeling that sick and fucked up. I just wish he could have stayed and done the deal and taken responsibility for what he had done.

Steven Ward

5.29.09

So tonight was  good night for me and really a good day. I got a lot of peace today that I have not felt in a long time and was in a lot of gratitude for things that I have never had before. I have a life that I am actually here for and am living. I have a family that I can actually show up for and on top of that I am ready to feel okay about things again. I really hope that today is going to be okay and I just really do the deal to the best of my ability.

Steven Ward

5.30.09

So really today was a good day and I had a lot of things totalk about with my dad. We were really having a good time at family group today and things have been so much better with them n ow that my slate is clean with the ma dn I am able to do a living amends with them. Really  ihave been having the best time here these days and going through shitty moods and then really genuine happy moods and it is crazy that I am actually living and getting to have a real normal life. Maybe not fully normal but at least I am present and I can show up for things now.

Steven Ward

5.31.09

So I really had a hard time waking up this morning and doing the same thing I do on ever y Sunday but it was really cool to have done that. I really have a hard time getting on board with some things at work that ihave to do all the time cause I feel entitled which is complete bullshit. Any ways I really wish things could be differenet some times but the bottom line is  I have to do all this cause I need to. I have to be a responsible member of society and get things handled. I have to do it the right way and not go off and do illegal shit to make money cause that is not an option for me anymore and that will just end up leading to me getting loaded and that is definitely not an option for me anymore.

Steven Ward

6.1.09

So tonight I would have not been able to handle if the house had not taught  me how to do it. I have had so much experience at doing what I do that I have had not way to even get to that point sometimes.It is really hard not to see that a lot of the time but that is how it is. If I was not on dub c I would not have been able to do this the right way and handle it the way ido . Any ways I am really tired and I have work tomorrow which I really do not want to go to cause I am tired but that is life and I have to make the most out of it.It is really hard for me to just sit around and do all this and by the way it looks to me I have really come far.

Steven Ward

6.2.09

So today I was in the midst of a lot of stress and what felt like pressure and I really started to pray and open up my mind to my higher power and fro the first time in sobriety it worked for em. I was sitting there and I was completely at peace with the world and everything in it and it was crazy. I had all this shit  that I felt and it great. I saw the clouds part thigns started to slow down and things  actually made sense and it was really just a good moment of clarity for me and I am grateful to have those every once in awhile. Really I have had nothing in my life like this program and I realize how much it has helped me and why I want to work towards it all the time and the motivation I have now is off the charts.

Steven Ward

6.04.09

So tonights group was really interesting on ferris and how he handled all this hsit that was going on. IT was really crazy to see all of it but the bottom line is I have to make sure that I hold myself to that line to make sure that I am okay with where I am at. I have not had a lot of ways to get what I wanted and I sure have not always gotten what I wanted but in the grand scheme of things that is not gods will for me. I am going on my sisters pass tomorrow and that is really exciting for me.

Steven Ward

6.06.09

So today was really cool to be able to come home and having had a good pass I was really relieved casue I thought it was going to be horrible. I had these expectations of how it was going to go and that sucked to be having those but it sure did make me aware of shit going on with me. This is the best pass I have ever had and it was all because I was able tot just show up for mey sister and be present for her graudations and be able to get her a presenta do that type of shit.

Steven Ward

6.07.09

So today was really good at work but it did get frusterating with some of the employees there and that was  pretty hard to deal with for the most part. I really have  had a problem with the whole anger thing some times but for the most part I  am okay with that shit. I feel that I am not in the house and I have to remember that at work cause most people do not live there lives like we do in here and most people are not as grateful for their jobs as I am and that I for sure. I really hope to have a good day tomorrow and I will be okay as long as I keep doing the deal and making the surrenders that I need to make.

Steven Ward

‘6.08.09

So todasy was a good day and it is cool to see another guy from the house working with me and it is cool that I am going to be able to be of service at work by training him and teaching me what I have learned. That is a great feeling for me and on top of that I will learn it a lot better by taking some one through it cause they say if you can teach it you know it. I really have had a good day and I am grateful for the things t hat my god has given to me and I really have a lot of things that I have to work on still but I am ready to deal with those things head on and really work a program.

Steven Ward

6.09.09

Lately I have been so wiped out and it is really wearing on me so I am going t o get to get some good sleep tonight. I really have to say that I love the way that I have been able to handle myself when I am having to be of service and as well just doing what I need to do as a member of this house and that is a great feeling for me. I really hope that I am able to see what I have been through for the most part and I will get to be there for my family and show up for things when I was never able to do fully before without having some selfish shit go on .

Steven Ward

6.10.09

I have had a lot of issues lately with pride and ego and it does get annoying when that shit comes up. I want to be the guy that has no issues with it but I really do not think that is going to happen. I really have a feeling that I am going to be able to get somewhere in my life if I keep up the surrenders and the way I go about things and that is the bottom line. I really hope that I will be able to keep this shit up.

Steven Ward

6.11.09

So tonights group was pretty godo and it definitely was intense and I love the way they group people a lot of the time. It is really cool to see all this for what it is and to see how things do go down a lot of the time. I have had a lot of shit that  has been good for me in the past and a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am still sober and doing the deal.I really feel that over the past nine months I have changed a lot and that is the way I want things to be most of the time.

Steven Ward

6.12.09

Lately I have been slacking on  my blog and really it is cause I am just doing the bare minimum and I am going to start doing more. Lately ihave been thinking about what I am going to do with my life and that is crazy to think about for me casue I have not even gotten to the place where I should even start thinking about it. It is really crazy to even be in that spot but I really want to serve my country and do what millions of people have done for me and that would be a great honor to do something like that.

Steven Ward

6.13.09

So really I have had a great day and it has been cool to see all of it happen the way that it does latel.y I have been really stoked on how shit just works out around this house and that is what really amazes me. I wish I could have been in the midst of this program awhile ago and I could have actually s tar ted my new life back then but this is fine. I really hope that I am able to do what I need to do to stay sober in the long haul.

Steven Ward

Wow today really was a crazy day for me and the fact of the matter is I  am tired of having to do the same thing over and over again for the same results if you know  what I mean. I am getting bored of the same old routine bu tihave to remember nothing on the outside is changing so then it comes back to me at this point. What am I not doing right and how can I help change my spiritual well being and what is it going to have to take for me to fully change and that is aquestiong  that poses itself to me all the time and that is hard for me to wrap my mind around and that is crazy. There is no way that I am going to be able to get the most out of all this but what I do know is that no matter people want to say I know that I am okay.

Steven Ward

6.15.09

So today I had the first day of my sickness and it really sucked and I feel that there is no way around treating this except for just rolling with it and hoping to not get to bad for the most part. I really have not had the ability to jump on that wagon bu twhtat I do know is that I have a really hard time coping with things if I am not in order. For the most part I think I will be okay and that is that. I hope t o be able to look back and see how far I really have come and get in the moment.

Steven War

6.16.09

So tonight was night where I got t o be of service and take a new guy to the emergency room and that was great of me to do cause pretty much I was jus t able to suit up and show up for him. He had some pretty knarley hives and it was cool to be able to see him be okay and the doctor let him know that everything was fine and really we just got into the solution and stayed out of results and like the program teaches us we followed and got some results. Good results to and I am really glad that thing sworked out t he way that they did.

Steven Ward

6.17.09

I had a really hard time today with not getting in all of this and it is hard to look at for the most part and I have to make sure that I am always on top of things fort he most part. I really have had to do all this and I feel that there is nothing more I can do about it than check in about it and I have had a hard time to look at it. I feel like there are a lot of things that I need to be feeling but I can not seem to get in touch with this emotion and it is kind of difficult.  There really is not a whole lot of things that I feel I need to really get into but if I try I will know that I am in that headspace and it is hard to get out of it cause I will obsess and obsess.

Steven Ward

6.18.09

Really today was good until I ahd to go to dinner and  ihave been really frusterated without smoking and it is really getting to me for the past few days and I have to get out of it. I really have a feeling that there is going to be a lot of things that do come up for me and I know doing this is not one of them. I have a feeling that I am not able to look at what I am doing in all aspects of the day and I will see what is going on. I have not been able to really take a look at myself for what I am worth lately but I know that I am working really hard on my program and that is really all that counts for me right now cause that includes every aspect of life.

Steven Ward

6.23.09

So today was a good day except for the fact that my sponsee brother wa all fucked up and really just running a muck and it was super fucked up. I have had a lot fo ways to do things lately and this is not one of them casue really I have no surrender to do this stuff sometimes but that is what iu have been taught to do so I do it to the best of my ability for the most part. I really have had a huge experience and I am grateful to be alive and sober.

Steven Ward

6.24.09

So tonight I got my covers pulled by a graduate and it was for me not being as much as involved as I should  be in the hosue and peoples shit. I really have to get in to it for me to be able to get in the house and stay connected the way I should be. I have had a lot of things in what I should be doing and that is where I am atright now but fuck this blog I need t ogo to get filled in at dinner.

Steven Ward

6.25.09

Really I have had a lot of issues not being able to get so emotional in groups and just stay calm cuse I get this feeling of like empathy for the person and it like hits me what they are feeling and it is hard to get an outside perspective sometimes when I do that. Like zach tonight I had a really deep like pit feeling of where he was at and it was hard to give him feedback when I was just wallowing in what I remember feeling in that spot and I really do not know if it is good or not.

Steven Ward

6.26.09

Lately I have been feeling really good and loving and caring and this over whelming sense of like kindess is entering into me and I have not felt this since I was a kid. It is like this love for things and people and this drive to be happy and care free and it really feels good. No matter what is going on around me it feels like I am in my own little world and a spectator of the world that is going on and instead of being a player it is nice to have those moments every once in a while.

Steven Ward

6.27.09

Lately or today it was really hard for me to get fully on board with everything that was going on and I had a lot of trouble doing just that for the most part and I really have to look at exactly why that is and for the most part I have to see that not everything is going togo the way that I want it to go so I have to get into action more and more all the time to deal with this shit. I can not see what has going on and I need to do the deal and I really feel that I have been doing what I have to do. I see that there is a lot of things thtat I need to do. I really want to be that guy all the time.

Steven Ward

6.28.09

The last time that I was able to look at all this was the last time that I was sober and I felt emotion and I was able to sit with myself sometimes but that all changed. Due to what I have no idea but since I was a kid I knew that I had a problem with lying.  I  would lie just to lie and it would be over shit that I did not even need to lie about but just the fact that I was in it made it make sense.

Steven Ward

6.29.09

I looked over at my parents and they said it is crazy that you have come this far and I responded the craziest thing is is that I am sober. I never thought it would be like this. I actually have a life I have a job I eat I sleep on a normal schedule I have friends that care about me and that I actually care about and I am in a house that takes the twelve step program to a way greater place than I  ever expected and that is nuts in itself. The way I look at things is very different than what I perceived all those times when I was under the influence of my ghb or that blunt. I was powerless over the drugs. I could not think feel or even really get out of bed unless I was loaded and I lived that way for four years and that was just enough for me. I really need to continue this journey and I want to look into the future and see what is holds for me but all I have is tonight. I am going to go read the best of bill and go to sleep. Peace out

Steven Ward

6.30.09

Today I had a root canal and it was really painful. It really sucked having to get on board with it but I had to do it in order to save my tooth. This si really all on me for procrastinating on this shit and they had to do a root canal to the best of their ability in order to get that fixed. It was really crazy as well to even know what I had to do to do it but that is where I am okay with thing.s

Steven Ward

7.01.09

There is a lot of things that I have seen lately that I am able to look at and know what I need to do to get through all of I t. I have felt that I have made the surrenders that I need to make and I really can be aware of all this for the most part. I feel that I have wanted to do the deal this way in it but the fact is I have never been so spiritual and clear. I remember the clarity I had and that time where I can do it. I feel the shit that does come up. I want to make sure that I have been okay wit hit and that is the way to do it.

Steven Ward

5/20/09

So today was really hard for me to go to work just getting over this crazy sickness I had and it was cool to be able to do this no matter what I had put in front of me. I really had to look at shit this way to be able to do what I can to make suer that I am handling life like a man and doing what I can on my part to be completely independent and doing things on my own. Like today showed me that no matter how shitty I feel I can still go to work and do the deal and be able to get on that level no matter what. I really have faith that the house works and it will help me for the rest of my life as long as I stay sober. I love the lfie I iahve today even after the shit that I had  to go through with being tha tshick for the past two days. Anyways I will talk to you tommorown

Steven Ward

5/21/09

So tonight was a really good group on ryan and it really helped him see that holding on to things and just going around the house having a whole different point of view is crazy to do and really can mess with you.  The thing of it is the whole house and its idea are all based on how we view things and why we do shit the way that we do. There really is not much more to it than we do all this to stay sober and you have to have faith to do it thought. It is not something  you just get right away and you are happy about doing it is things over and over again that help us come to believe what we do when we do it and get through it. Any ways tonight was good and I am ready to keep going just how I have been for the past nine months.

Steven Ward

5/22/09

There has been a whole bunch of things that I really want to  be when I am out of the house and I know that without this foundation that I gain here I will never be able to accomplish that. I have had a lot of ways that I can go about things and I know that the right way is normally the way that I do not want to do. I feel that if I am able to get on board with what I can do right there will be lots of reward in that. Doing gods will is a lot better than doing mine and I have seen that over and over in this house. I want to be pefect but  I  know that I can not do this if it were up to me.

Steven Ward

5/23/09

Today really was a good day but the problem is I have been really fatigued lately and I really do not like it at all. I have not been able to get over this for awhile now and I am starting to wonder why it is happening I mean I must be in terrible shape or something. I have been worried lately about  the way I look for some reason so I really need to take some action and start working out. I have to really get on the ball with what I want to do with my life and that is how I have to look at it the whole time to get there. I am on the verge of being the guy that  is able to get on what I can when I can. So I need to really step it up.

Steven Ward

5/25/09

So tonight I am back off reflections and I am okay with that for sure. I have had a lot of things that ihave done in the past that I am not okay with and it is hard to do when I have not had a lot of experience in these areas before doing all this. Lately I have not been feeling like anything new is happening for me and that ihard to deal with and is almost like bad in a way for me. I can not do this all at the same time if I am constantly trying to find something new all the time to do. I really want to fuck a girl lately and my sponsor and the hosue have given me the okay to but I really am in fear of it for some reason. It is really hard for me to feel this way.

Steven Ward

5.26.09

So today was really good in the fact that I got kind of spun out at work about it just being another routine and it was really hard to focus at points in the day but I got through it and th e reason I did was casue chris s was there and we could check in about it. The biggest part in it is I do not feel alone in the shit that comes up and I can be okay with what iam doing in this way. I have not had a whole lot of thing that I am okay with but this is one that I am, I have not been the guy that I should have been for the past 5 years but I am slowly repairing the damage and I feel good about it.

Steven Ward

5/27/09

So today some motherfucker got caught up with using in the house and he will not cop to it and it is bullshit. I am really frusterated with this casue some dumass is using in the house that I live in jeopardizing the sobriety of people around me that I care about  and myself. It is bullshit and I really hope that the test comes back tomorrow showing who did it cause they need to get the shit pulled out of their covers. Sure there is some resentment here and that is casue I am really looking at it out of selfishness and out of anger that other people could be in danger of blowing out the door. It is weird I never thought that I would be so angry in my life for someone using but today shit is different and I really hope that this sick sick person who knows that they did it cops to it before the tests come back showing some integrity or at least any that they have left.

Steven Ward

5/28/09

So we finally figured out that it was farris and his stupid ass who can not get honest tonight. We ended up having to search his car and we found a whole bunch of pills in there and it is crazy that all this was just a coincidence in his head. Yeah right  I mean the guy is lucky to even be alive after all the shit that he has planned out for his future. He is really lucky that he was able to get caught  like this and be dealt with casue maybe the groups we had tonight will be enough motivation for him not to get high. I know that is hard to believe but it is true and I know how it is feeling that sick and fucked up. I just wish he could have stayed and done the deal and taken responsibility for what he had done.

Steven Ward

5.29.09

So tonight was  good night for me and really a good day. I got a lot of peace today that I have not felt in a long time and was in a lot of gratitude for things that I have never had before. I have a life that I am actually here for and am living. I have a family that I can actually show up for and on top of that I am ready to feel okay about things again. I really hope that today is going to be okay and I just really do the deal to the best of my ability.

Steven Ward

5.30.09

So really today was a good day and I had a lot of things totalk about with my dad. We were really having a good time at family group today and things have been so much better with them n ow that my slate is clean with the ma dn I am able to do a living amends with them. Really  ihave been having the best time here these days and going through shitty moods and then really genuine happy moods and it is crazy that I am actually living and getting to have a real normal life. Maybe not fully normal but at least I am present and I can show up for things now.

Steven Ward

5.31.09

So I really had a hard time waking up this morning and doing the same thing I do on ever y Sunday but it was really cool to have done that. I really have a hard time getting on board with some things at work that ihave to do all the time cause I feel entitled which is complete bullshit. Any ways I really wish things could be differenet some times but the bottom line is  I have to do all this cause I need to. I have to be a responsible member of society and get things handled. I have to do it the right way and not go off and do illegal shit to make money cause that is not an option for me anymore and that will just end up leading to me getting loaded and that is definitely not an option for me anymore.

Steven Ward

6.1.09

So tonight I would have not been able to handle if the house had not taught  me how to do it. I have had so much experience at doing what I do that I have had not way to even get to that point sometimes.It is really hard not to see that a lot of the time but that is how it is. If I was not on dub c I would not have been able to do this the right way and handle it the way ido . Any ways I am really tired and I have work tomorrow which I really do not want to go to cause I am tired but that is life and I have to make the most out of it.It is really hard for me to just sit around and do all this and by the way it looks to me I have really come far.

Steven Ward

6.2.09

So today I was in the midst of a lot of stress and what felt like pressure and I really started to pray and open up my mind to my higher power and fro the first time in sobriety it worked for em. I was sitting there and I was completely at peace with the world and everything in it and it was crazy. I had all this shit  that I felt and it great. I saw the clouds part thigns started to slow down and things  actually made sense and it was really just a good moment of clarity for me and I am grateful to have those every once in awhile. Really I have had nothing in my life like this program and I realize how much it has helped me and why I want to work towards it all the time and the motivation I have now is off the charts.

Steven Ward

6.04.09

So tonights group was really interesting on ferris and how he handled all this hsit that was going on. IT was really crazy to see all of it but the bottom line is I have to make sure that I hold myself to that line to make sure that I am okay with where I am at. I have not had a lot of ways to get what I wanted and I sure have not always gotten what I wanted but in the grand scheme of things that is not gods will for me. I am going on my sisters pass tomorrow and that is really exciting for me.

Steven Ward

6.06.09

So today was really cool to be able to come home and having had a good pass I was really relieved casue I thought it was going to be horrible. I had these expectations of how it was going to go and that sucked to be having those but it sure did make me aware of shit going on with me. This is the best pass I have ever had and it was all because I was able tot just show up for mey sister and be present for her graudations and be able to get her a presenta do that type of shit.

Steven Ward

6.07.09

So today was really good at work but it did get frusterating with some of the employees there and that was  pretty hard to deal with for the most part. I really have  had a problem with the whole anger thing some times but for the most part I  am okay with that shit. I feel that I am not in the house and I have to remember that at work cause most people do not live there lives like we do in here and most people are not as grateful for their jobs as I am and that I for sure. I really hope to have a good day tomorrow and I will be okay as long as I keep doing the deal and making the surrenders that I need to make.

Steven Ward

‘6.08.09

So todasy was a good day and it is cool to see another guy from the house working with me and it is cool that I am going to be able to be of service at work by training him and teaching me what I have learned. That is a great feeling for me and on top of that I will learn it a lot better by taking some one through it cause they say if you can teach it you know it. I really have had a good day and I am grateful for the things t hat my god has given to me and I really have a lot of things that I have to work on still but I am ready to deal with those things head on and really work a program.

Steven Ward

6.09.09

Lately I have been so wiped out and it is really wearing on me so I am going t o get to get some good sleep tonight. I really have to say that I love the way that I have been able to handle myself when I am having to be of service and as well just doing what I need to do as a member of this house and that is a great feeling for me. I really hope that I am able to see what I have been through for the most part and I will get to be there for my family and show up for things when I was never able to do fully before without having some selfish shit go on .

Steven Ward

6.10.09

I have had a lot of issues lately with pride and ego and it does get annoying when that shit comes up. I want to be the guy that has no issues with it but I really do not think that is going to happen. I really have a feeling that I am going to be able to get somewhere in my life if I keep up the surrenders and the way I go about things and that is the bottom line. I really hope that I will be able to keep this shit up.

Steven Ward

6.11.09

So tonights group was pretty godo and it definitely was intense and I love the way they group people a lot of the time. It is really cool to see all this for what it is and to see how things do go down a lot of the time. I have had a lot of shit that  has been good for me in the past and a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am still sober and doing the deal.I really feel that over the past nine months I have changed a lot and that is the way I want things to be most of the time.

Steven Ward

6.12.09

Lately I have been slacking on  my blog and really it is cause I am just doing the bare minimum and I am going to start doing more. Lately ihave been thinking about what I am going to do with my life and that is crazy to think about for me casue I have not even gotten to the place where I should even start thinking about it. It is really crazy to even be in that spot but I really want to serve my country and do what millions of people have done for me and that would be a great honor to do something like that.

Steven Ward

6.13.09

So really I have had a great day and it has been cool to see all of it happen the way that it does latel.y I have been really stoked on how shit just works out around this house and that is what really amazes me. I wish I could have been in the midst of this program awhile ago and I could have actually s tar ted my new life back then but this is fine. I really hope that I am able to do what I need to do to stay sober in the long haul.

Steven Ward

Wow today really was a crazy day for me and the fact of the matter is I  am tired of having to do the same thing over and over again for the same results if you know  what I mean. I am getting bored of the same old routine bu tihave to remember nothing on the outside is changing so then it comes back to me at this point. What am I not doing right and how can I help change my spiritual well being and what is it going to have to take for me to fully change and that is aquestiong  that poses itself to me all the time and that is hard for me to wrap my mind around and that is crazy. There is no way that I am going to be able to get the most out of all this but what I do know is that no matter people want to say I know that I am okay.

Steven Ward

6.15.09

So today I had the first day of my sickness and it really sucked and I feel that there is no way around treating this except for just rolling with it and hoping to not get to bad for the most part. I really have not had the ability to jump on that wagon bu twhtat I do know is that I have a really hard time coping with things if I am not in order. For the most part I think I will be okay and that is that. I hope t o be able to look back and see how far I really have come and get in the moment.

Steven War

6.16.09

So tonight was night where I got t o be of service and take a new guy to the emergency room and that was great of me to do cause pretty much I was jus t able to suit up and show up for him. He had some pretty knarley hives and it was cool to be able to see him be okay and the doctor let him know that everything was fine and really we just got into the solution and stayed out of results and like the program teaches us we followed and got some results. Good results to and I am really glad that thing sworked out t he way that they did.

Steven Ward

6.17.09

I had a really hard time today with not getting in all of this and it is hard to look at for the most part and I have to make sure that I am always on top of things fort he most part. I really have had to do all this and I feel that there is nothing more I can do about it than check in about it and I have had a hard time to look at it. I feel like there are a lot of things that I need to be feeling but I can not seem to get in touch with this emotion and it is kind of difficult.  There really is not a whole lot of things that I feel I need to really get into but if I try I will know that I am in that headspace and it is hard to get out of it cause I will obsess and obsess.

Steven Ward

6.18.09

Really today was good until I ahd to go to dinner and  ihave been really frusterated without smoking and it is really getting to me for the past few days and I have to get out of it. I really have a feeling that there is going to be a lot of things that do come up for me and I know doing this is not one of them. I have a feeling that I am not able to look at what I am doing in all aspects of the day and I will see what is going on. I have not been able to really take a look at myself for what I am worth lately but I know that I am working really hard on my program and that is really all that counts for me right now cause that includes every aspect of life.

Steven Ward

6.23.09

So today was a good day except for the fact that my sponsee brother wa all fucked up and really just running a muck and it was super fucked up. I have had a lot fo ways to do things lately and this is not one of them casue really I have no surrender to do this stuff sometimes but that is what iu have been taught to do so I do it to the best of my ability for the most part. I really have had a huge experience and I am grateful to be alive and sober.

Steven Ward

6.24.09

So tonight I got my covers pulled by a graduate and it was for me not being as much as involved as I should  be in the hosue and peoples shit. I really have to get in to it for me to be able to get in the house and stay connected the way I should be. I have had a lot of things in what I should be doing and that is where I am atright now but fuck this blog I need t ogo to get filled in at dinner.

Steven Ward

6.25.09

Really I have had a lot of issues not being able to get so emotional in groups and just stay calm cuse I get this feeling of like empathy for the person and it like hits me what they are feeling and it is hard to get an outside perspective sometimes when I do that. Like zach tonight I had a really deep like pit feeling of where he was at and it was hard to give him feedback when I was just wallowing in what I remember feeling in that spot and I really do not know if it is good or not.

Steven Ward

6.26.09

Lately I have been feeling really good and loving and caring and this over whelming sense of like kindess is entering into me and I have not felt this since I was a kid. It is like this love for things and people and this drive to be happy and care free and it really feels good. No matter what is going on around me it feels like I am in my own little world and a spectator of the world that is going on and instead of being a player it is nice to have those moments every once in a while.

Steven Ward

6.27.09

Lately or today it was really hard for me to get fully on board with everything that was going on and I had a lot of trouble doing just that for the most part and I really have to look at exactly why that is and for the most part I have to see that not everything is going togo the way that I want it to go so I have to get into action more and more all the time to deal with this shit. I can not see what has going on and I need to do the deal and I really feel that I have been doing what I have to do. I see that there is a lot of things thtat I need to do. I really want to be that guy all the time.

Steven Ward

6.28.09

The last time that I was able to look at all this was the last time that I was sober and I felt emotion and I was able to sit with myself sometimes but that all changed. Due to what I have no idea but since I was a kid I knew that I had a problem with lying.  I  would lie just to lie and it would be over shit that I did not even need to lie about but just the fact that I was in it made it make sense.

Steven Ward

6.29.09

I looked over at my parents and they said it is crazy that you have come this far and I responded the craziest thing is is that I am sober. I never thought it would be like this. I actually have a life I have a job I eat I sleep on a normal schedule I have friends that care about me and that I actually care about and I am in a house that takes the twelve step program to a way greater place than I  ever expected and that is nuts in itself. The way I look at things is very different than what I perceived all those times when I was under the influence of my ghb or that blunt. I was powerless over the drugs. I could not think feel or even really get out of bed unless I was loaded and I lived that way for four years and that was just enough for me. I really need to continue this journey and I want to look into the future and see what is holds for me but all I have is tonight. I am going to go read the best of bill and go to sleep. Peace out

Steven Ward

6.30.09

Today I had a root canal and it was really painful. It really sucked having to get on board with it but I had to do it in order to save my tooth. This si really all on me for procrastinating on this shit and they had to do a root canal to the best of their ability in order to get that fixed. It was really crazy as well to even know what I had to do to do it but that is where I am okay with thing.s

Steven Ward

7.01.09

There is a lot of things that I have seen lately that I am able to look at and know what I need to do to get through all of I t. I have felt that I have made the surrenders that I need to make and I really can be aware of all this for the most part. I feel that I have wanted to do the deal this way in it but the fact is I have never been so spiritual and clear. I remember the clarity I had and that time where I can do it. I feel the shit that does come up. I want to make sure that I have been okay wit hit and that is the way to do it.